Friday, August 25, 2017

The Exploration of Beer Woods Creek Chapter Two

We left off last chapter with some vague mention of danger and an unbalanced person maintaining a firearm. Chapter two is almost a completely different, standalone story that just happens to be about the same couple characters from the first chapter.

Original Document Please be nice

Chapter 2 [I didn't include this random header. Also, you can't tell because of the way I format these but chapter two is spontaneously in bold. All of it]

Nothing was a better aid to the explorers that good weather. No wet socks, wet tinder, and cold that comes from rain. No sweat and fatigue that comes from hot weather. It was windy and slightly cool, ideal for the journey. The ground was damp, not soaked, and Dusty's boots gripped the earth just right.

Credit where it's due, this beginning is infinitely better than everything in the last chapter.

There were there were four others on the journey besides Dusty, John and Alt. There were Sunny, Heather, and Jake, their friends, and Tom, Dusty's boyfriend.

Kinda lose points though for this confusing wording. I get what it's supposed to say, but it sounds like there is 6+ people with them as opposed to an extra four.

Sunny shared Dusty's love of nature and the uninhabited areas of the world. Heather wanted to go along were ever her friends were headed. A wilderness survivor, Jake wanted to put his skills to the test.

Every time I come back from a camping trip I consider myself a survivor of wilderness. How much can you really test your skills when you're with six other people?

And Tom loved Dusty, so he decided to come along.
"So my aunt was talking to this girl, and she said that she wanted to have an abortion done in her house…" Jake said.

I uh... what? How did we suddenly end up here?

"No! Jake it's not cool that your aunt is an abortion doctor!" Heather interrupted. She was the one who believed that abortion should be illegal and wanted to know what it was like to be a pregnant teenager (and at the same time did not want to be a pregnant teenager).

I don't understand what that is supposed to even mean? I think most people know enough about what it's like to be a pregnant teen to never want to have to learn more about what it likes to be a pregnant teen. (Spoiler: it sucks a bunch)

Dusty was afraid for a moment that Alt and John, the political geeks, did not get involved in the debate and start the trip off on the wrong foot.

So you want them to get involved? Bit odd.

She looked around for them, and then realized that she did not have to worry about that, because they were ahead of everybody, trying to run the trail.
Once Dusty was sure that the abortion debate was over, she yelled for Alt and John to come back and stay with the group. They would need energy for later.

For what? Setting up the tents? You're on a normal camping trip.

Sunny ran up behind Dusty and hugged her, "This is so exiting!!" she said. "I can't wait to set up camp!".

The group walked along the trail. The sun peeked through the trees. Water slowly moved in Beer Run Creek across the moss covered rocks and the birds chirped their happy songs. Tom caught up to Dusty and hugged her. She was happy. But things haven't always been that way.

A surprise to absolutely nobody currently reading this.

The first two years of high school were hell. In the beginning, Dusty broke up with her boyfriend of two months.

On the list of bad high school experiences, two month breakup isn't really that bad. I was expecting her to be bullied or something.

The night of the breakup, she remembered that her evil ex had carved their initials onto a tree in the park across the street. She was mad. She was crazy. (We all figured that long ago.) She decided that there was no way that that tree will haunt her for the rest of her life. Dusty would not let the romance fade, the memories slip away, she had to kill what was left.

Kill is a very... very strong word, maybe we should scale this back a little. Also, I think there was some mistake somewhere in here because it sounds like she wants to forget but also remember forever.

The moon outside was pale as Dusty put on her jacket and slipped into the shed. She tiptoed over to where the tools were kept and pulled out a battery powered chainsaw.

Is the shed just an armory at this point? You own way too many weapons, especially with somebody whose that interested in the end of the world.

Then she was on her way to the park. The way to the tree was familiar and she got there in a matter of minutes. She got to the tree and started to kill it.

I like this main character who would kill innocent life just because it happened to have the misfortune of reminding her of a fling she had. This relationship was shorter than a summer vacation, and we have zero evidence that he's actually this bad of a person.

The chain saw must have disturbed some of the residents of the backwoods, (you think?) because the lights of a police car blinked in the distance. Dusty had already been busted once for riding on the back of some guys' motorcycle without a helmet and could not afford to be busted again.

I'll die before they send me back there man.

She turned off the chainsaw and ran. (Remember: "Don't run with chainsaws!") She ran past her house and into rock creek. Then she went further into the woods. Dusty had not brought a flashlight, and was now running without any idea were she was going. Then, in the moonlight, she saw a doghouse and decided to risk it and go inside.

You could probably loop back around to your house, they're probably not going to mount a manhunt for some teenager who vandalized a park.

Luckily, there was no dog inside it and she hid there for the rest of the night, wide awake for the entire time.

Now, Dusty thought that what she did that year was stupid. (We all do) She had changed her ways and calmed down. Now she had Tom. Now she knew what she was doing. (Oh, I very much doubt that) And now she had a gun.

Could you make that sound any more threatening???

Dusty thought that she would never do anything so irrational ever again. But deep down inside, she knew that she was still the same.

This is in the same paragraph. You contradicted yourself completely within the span of two sentences, and you are definitely not making a case for you being allowed a gun.

The sun was setting very quickly. The camp was set up and a deer that Jake shot was roasting on the fire. Alt stared at the dead animal. He raised his eyebrows and sat on the ground, not participating in the debate John and Sunny were having about how early they were going to get up the next morning.

"Why are you so down?" Dusty asked him.

"I'm not sad." he replied. "I'm just thinking. Why do you live like this. (?<-you forgot this)  I mean, it's okay sometimes, but you can't do it forever.". (I know I haven't mentioned it so far, but you could really leave off these periods)

"Maybe you can't. But I can. Damn it, Alt, can't you see that I can't live amongst normal people? (Is Tom okay with suddenly joining the forest people?) I can't do normal things. I can't get up in the morning, go stare at a computer screen all day and then come home after the sun goes down. People were made to live out in the wild. Breathe some air."

You do that, I'm going to stay here with my computer... Wait a minute, you upload stories on the internet! You can totally work with computers if you wanted to.

"I guess it's best for you." Alt said.

Dusty looked around. Jake was re telling the story of his amazing hunt. Sunny and Heather were telling jokes and laughing. Tom and John were trying to climb a tree.

Guess trying is the operative word there. You would think a survival nut would be able to climb a tree.

"It's best for a lot of people." Dusty said, half to Alt, and half to the sky.

"Waiter, I'll have... two root beers, please"

That's the ending. For the most part she's illustrated that people are meant to be social, not that they all have to shed civilization, and to be honest, I'm not really sure if this was meant to say anything in particular at all. For the most part I think this is the semi-autobiographical ramblings of a teenager who has some free time and likes to write. It's meandering, it just drops ideas right after bringing them up, and half of the characters are completely useless. More than that, actually, with the exception of Dusty, Alt, and Tom, everybody gets about one sentence each. Tom says nothing at all.

But I don't hate this. Hating this would require me caring about this story more than the author did, which I figure isn't much. If you are reading this, Ms. Becky4Freedm, I don't think you're a bad writer, I just think you need focus and time to develop your stories more. Besides, nowhere to go but up ;)

Follow your dreams but remember to NEVER RUN WITH CHAINSAWS,
Cheshire

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