Thursday, August 24, 2017

The Exploration Of Beer Woods Creek Chapter One

Let's start with a fun one, shall we? This is a short story I found a couple years ago and I always kept it around. It is not very good, but it falls short in the most charming of ways that makes it fun to poke fun at.

Original Document (Please be nice)

Dusty lived in an era of perfection. Nearly everyone strived to be perfect, nearly everyone strived to be the same. They didn't even know what they were doing.

The author is using the little known technique of opening your story by making your main character sound as unappealing to hang out with as possible. Here we can see her (and probably the authors) start to explain her view of "normal people" in the most pretentious way possible.

Of course, no two average girls in her high school would ever wear the same skirt as their friends on the same day, but they all owned the same clothing and it would often appear as if the school had some kind of uniform. They all watched the same music videos and listened only to the "hottest" pop hits, which, of course were all made by Mistress Lulu, who was the same as all the other "different" and "groundbreaking" pop stars.

This rant is pretty amazing already. The author clearly wants everyone to know how she's totally special and "not like everyone else" which ironically makes her just like everyone else.

Then there were the books. The Daybreak saga was the only book series the popular crowd ever read. The plot was a sad sequence of romance, depression, and car chases and the characters didn't have any personalities.

Glass houses, miss. At least stuff happened in Twilight.

And, of course, there were the boys. A clique called "The Nine" consisted of the basketball playing jocks that spent all day looking in the mirror. The popular girls followed them to the end of the earth, or across the fine line between drinking and drunk.

Not really sure what that last statement means unless it's a clumsy and mean spirited attempt at slut shaming? If it's not, then why does it matter that they get drunk together? I happen to get drunk all the time and clearly I clearly ended up great.

But even though the majority high school was bent on perfection or popularity, Dusty and her friends were not. 

That's surprising since you made it so appealing.

I want to take a quick moment to point out how injecting your personal view into writing almost never works. It completely ruins the pacing and let's face it, most people don't actually want to know what you think about anything, most of all what you think of them without you ever even having met them.

They walked through the hallways and never worried about what anybody thought. Most of her friends enjoyed it. But a few had an undying desire to be the leader of the pack, and thought that that could only be achieved through popularity and fame.

This is confusingly written since the author made it sound like they were a small group of friends, but talking about them like this makes it sound like Dusty has a lot of friends and a sizable minority wanted to be popular, but I'm pretty sure that she has, about six friends max.

Alt was one of those people. Dusty always had to remind him that, in the end, the popular people would all die out and they would go on.

That is an oddly ominous sentence... Wait, how many times does this conversation happen?

"Why does being different mean that we will survive in a worst case scenario?" Alt asked Dusty one night at her house in the woods. Most of their friends have left to go to the creek except her, Alt and John who was playing a computer game on Dustys' moms' laptop. Dusty dipped a cleaning cloth inside a smelly liquid and cleaned the barrel of her Colt 45 with a sigh.


"Because, when people all become the same, they abandon their real talents to pursue more 'fashionable' ones such as clothing design, big time acting, sports, and sometimes the worst of all, singing.

What's your problem with singers? Also you're going to tell me that a football player is useless during the apocalypse?

They take all the jobs that should be filled be people that actually have those talents and ruin the world for the rest of us.

So singers and actors are useless and will die out, but it's important for people to follow their talent, except that never works out because "popular" people will always take your job first? I don't understand this thought process one bit. Especially the comment about how they all "ruin the world" like Katy Perry is going to end up killing us all.

They fail to develop the talents necessary for human survival, such as farming, shooting and using weapons, building shelters and making flower beds out of tires." Dusty looked up from the gun she was cleaning and smiled at Alt. "Especially making flower beds out of tires."

Generally any sort of event that causes everyone to have to fall back on these basic survival skills would outright kill the majority of people, regardless of preparation. Also, you shouldn't normally have a life plan that requires the downfall of civilization.

Alt generally thought that she was insane, but this actually started to make sense to him.

This doesn't make any sense.

How else would you explain the failed amount of pop singers in the world who barely make enough money to buy a couple eggs at the grocery store? 

They have to get a normal job just like everyone else which puts them on the same level as someone whose best marketable skill is apparently "putting dirt in a tire".

How else would you explain the unemployment?

There's literally an entire field devoted to explaining "the unemployment" and let me tell you, none of them are blaming it on pop stars.

"You see, I'm doing O.K.

Whatever you say, just please put the gun away

So are you. What are you going to do if you become one of them?

Have better friends.

What am I going to do? Is there anyone else who can answer all my questions about cells?


I don't think so. (oh) The reason all of us get along so well is because we are all very different. We all have our own talents and are good at what we do.". 

Because popular kids never have any talents to speak of. In fact, becoming popular means you have to give up everything else in your life.

Dusty clicked the pieces of the revolver into their correct places and admired the machine. The materials shone and everything worked and clicked just the way it was supposed to.

Overshot quirky and headed straight into creepy territory. I wouldn't be surprised if this suddenly turns into a horror movie.

"John, please stop torturing the computer and go outside. We are almost ready to leave."

John pushed his glasses further onto his nose. "But I'm not done!" he complained. "I'm on level seven and if I quit now, I'll lose it!".

Ah yes, level seven of Video Game™ is the hardest.

John hesitantly stopped playing the game and stood up.

That conflict was resolved quickly. Really quickly. I didn't skip anything there, he just gets up anyways.

 "You should get a new computer, Dusty. Yours is as slow as the computers from the stone age.".
Dusty got up from her chair and stretched. She put on her leather coat, stuck the revolver into the worn holster,

I am intensely uncomfortable with the anti-social teenager being this familiar with a fire arm.

 and slipped on a pair of rubber camouflage boots. "Let's go you guys." she said. Alt lifted the food supply pack and John picked up the tent. "Time to set up camp in the most hell bent place on earth. Beer Woods Creek!"

I think I'll stay here if it's all the same to you, thanks.

The screen door was the last thing that separated Dusty from the miles and miles of wilderness and danger that lay ahead. 

What danger? Why do you need a gun!? What is happenening?!?

She kicked it open.

That's the end of chapter one. Since this is getting kind of long, I'm going to post the second half separately so keep an eye out for that over the next couple days.


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